


a pure expression of grief

by Maxil_Gal



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Found Family, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-movie fic, Psychological Trauma, School Shootings, Suicide Attempt, the guard find a new immortal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:48:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26352160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maxil_Gal/pseuds/Maxil_Gal
Summary: A new immortal appears in the Guard's dreams. But this time they're young. Their first death happens in high school.a.k.a The Guard remembers what its like to fear death again.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 15
Kudos: 96





	1. part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment if you enjoy and want to see more. It really helps keep me motivated.

She stood on the edge of the bridge. The cold wind made her tears sting in her eyes. Surely she wouldn’t be able to survive this? It was too far. This time it would work.

The worst part of her luck, in her mind, was that it never left scars. No one could tell she was hurting, because her attempts never revealed themselves on her body. No scars, no broken bones, no pills in her system. 

But this time it would work. It had to. She felt her body swaying, struggling not to fall. It still wanted to live, but her mind was made up. There were voices speaking. They would try and stop her. She had to do it now. It was time to jump.

______________________________

They hadn’t expected someone so soon after Nile. It had only been a couple of years when the had the dream. A girl, staring down the barrel of an AK-47. American. She was in a classroom.

 _Please let her be a teacher,_ Nile prayed to herself after that night. No such luck. They saw her graduate a few months later. A few of her classmates were in wheelchairs. She didn’t have a scratch. They also saw her take all those pills. Take that knife to her arms. They looked and looked but somehow, the visions kept being too vague to know where she was. A year went by, and then there was a car crash. She was somewhere else. Somewhere new. It wasn’t just English on the road signs.

Joe must have drawn her face a hundred times, never satisfied. He never could focus on her face. 

Nicky drove himself crazy trying to see her, where she was. He would lay silently at night, but Joe could feel the tenseness in his lover’s shoulders. 

Andy still had dreams, funnily enough. The fear got to her. She felt the fear she hadn’t felt in a thousand years. The fear of a child, unused to violence. The fear of dying.

She was in Ireland. 

When they finally caught up to her, she was trying again. They tried to call her down. Any sudden movements and she'd bolt like a terrified animal. But even as they called to her, she jumped.

_________________________________

She didn’t fall. Hands pulled her back onto the bridge. Four strangers were standing above her...not strangers. She had seen them before. Dreams she couldn’t remember. Vague feelings of warmth, pain, laughter, love. She didn’t move. 

One of the men sat her up against the wall. He was the kind one. She would wake up crying with love after seeing him kiss the bearded man. On her darkest nights, she saw him, smiling and laughing, wrapped in warm, safe arms. 

“It’s alright. It’s ok now. It’s ok.” She stared at him blankly. 

“Please say I’m dead.” They almost winced at that.

“No...no you’re alive. What’s your name?”

“Hannah. My name is Hannah.”


	2. part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, here's part 2.
> 
> more of a transition bit but i promise we'll get to the juicy stuff soon

They wrapped her up in a coat, and the kind man tried to get her to stand.

Panic finally began to pump through her veins like a forest fire.

“Let go of me!” Hannah lashed out, pushing them away as she tried to rise to her feet. The woman with short hair grabbed her arm violently and pulled her back towards them and the van they had all emerged from.

“ _Calmati, sorella_. You know us,” the kind man soothed. The woman’s grip tightened and Hannah finally looked at the group with clear eyes. Four of them, four faces she recognized from dreams. “We know you.”

“H-how do you know me? How are you all real.”

“We’ll explain later, now get in the car,” the woman holding her finally spoke. Her voice was strong and firm, like steel. She didn’t wait for a response from Hannah, opting to throw her into the van when she hesitated. 

“Andy!”

“Please. Nile had it worse.”

Hannah felt like time had become stuck and slow. She was being kidnapped by figments of her imagination. Then, as if a band snapped, it sprang back into place in Hannah’s mind.

She screamed bloody murder, kicked and punched, even managed to bite the bearded man struggling to restrain her.

“Ow! Motherf-” Hannah knew she drew blood. She could taste it. Then again, maybe it was her own blood from biting her own tongue. 

There was a click, and a sharp pain in her neck, and her entire body began to fall limp. The last thing she saw was the kind man laying her gently on the floor, murmuring something in another language.

___________________________________

She woke up wrapped in a blanket and a jacket balled up under her head. And she was blind-folded and her hands were zip-tied. But that wasn’t what was on the front of her mind when she woke up.

She had had a dream again. A man, drinking and drinking and drinking, as if to drown himself. She had seen him before, and even related to his constant search for release. But he hadn’t been with the people who took her. Then she remembered. _Oh yeah, I got kidnapped_.

Instinctually, she tried to kick her legs at her assaulters, but her feet just flailed in the air and failed to make contact.

“Hey, hey it’s ok,” a man’s voice gently tried to soothe as the other held her legs. The kind man removed her blind-fold and revealed they were still in the van, and it was dark outside.

“What do you want from me,” Hannah said, barely able to get her voice above a loud whisper. “Where are you taking me.”

“The safehouse,” Andy said, not looking up from the road. 

“Please, let us explain. My name is Nicky...and this is Joe,” he motioned to the man who hovered beside him. “We’re not going to hurt you, I promise.” His voice was smooth and warm like honeyed tea, and it made Hannah relax slightly. “This may be strange, but let me explain. You’re...not normal. You know this. You know because you’ve tried to die but you can’t...we know. We’ve felt it.” Nicky’s jaw clenched as if remembering a painful memory. “You died young. You were only a child in school, and someone killed you. It still haunts you to this day. You’ve taken pills. You’ve cut yourself. Even when you don’t mean to, in the car crash. Every time the same. They call it a freak miracle but...it’s not a miracle; it’s you. You are the miracle. You cannot die, Hannah.”

“Wh-what are you talking about, how do you know all those things about me.”

“The same way you’ve seen us before. The same way you knew who we were when you saw us at the bridge,” Joe said gently. “We see each other in our dreams until we meet.” 

“We’re like you. From many different times, we have been given the same gift and burden as you. Immortality.” Nicky laid a comforting hand on Hannah’s shoulder and looked into her eyes. “I know that this is difficult to understand...to accept, but we needed to do what we did. There are people in this world who will try and use you. As a weapon, as a cure, they will take you and we refuse to let that happen.” He glanced over at Joe, who said nothing and simply crossed his arms, refusing to make eye contact.

“But...why me?”

“You’re asking the wrong people,” Joe chuckled ruefully.

“Maybe...because you’re meant to be with us. To help the world," Nicky offered

“How can I help the world? I’m just a nobody.”

“You’d be surprised,” Andy said, her mouth hinting at a smile in the rear-view mirror.

“It’d be easier to explain if we showed her,” Nile said, finally breaking her silence.


	3. part 3

Hannah was no stranger to history. She studied it, even wanted to be an archaeologist when she was little. But this was different.

A wall in the farmhouse in Northern Italy was plastered with their history. They fought in civil wars, world wars, and genocides. Through the centuries, they were silent guards over humanity, fighting for what they thought was right. It was beautifully poignant. Tragically poetic. A single constant throughout the rise and fall of civilizations.

“So this is what you do,” she murmured, touching a picture of the group posing in front of a battlefield tent. She turned to them, brow furrowed. “But I still don’t know who you are. Where...when are you from?” There was a pause before Nicky spoke first.

“Nicolo di Genova, I was a knight in the crusades.”

“Yusuf al-Kaysani. I was fighting Nicolo in the crusades.” Joe laughed from his seat at the table. “How many times did we kill each other, _habibi_?”

“ _Molte volte, mio caro_.”

“I just joined a few years ago,” Nile said, putting down the plates at the table. Hannah was still glued to the wall of their past. “Andy is the oldest.”

“Andromache the Scythian...just call me Andy.” Andy was sitting off by herself, sharpening one of her many, many knives. 

“So, you just keep fighting forever?” The room went deathly silent.

“No...not forever,” Andy said. “One day you stop healing...and you die.”

“Andy’s mortal now,” Nile explained. She motioned for Hannah to join them at the table. She managed to pull herself away and sit with them. It seemed to be leftover pasta. They began eating in tense silence. Hannah felt like a fifth wheel, sliding into this group of people, some of whom have apparently known each other for centuries. “Listen, what Nicky said before is true.” Hannah looked at Nile. Her eyes were awash with concern and sincerity as she addressed her. “We’re here for you...we’re family.” Nile put a comforting hand on Hannah’s shoulder. But the word _family_ caused her heart to drop.

“My family...oh god…” Her family was going to grow old and die, without her. What about Jen? Her best friend who she loved with all her heart. She’d die without her. Hannah would be miles away, not having aged a day and she’d be gone. Tears started falling from Hannah’s eyes. She didn’t make any noises. The tears just ran down her cheeks as she thought about it. Guilt overwhelmed her when she remembered the others. Staring at her. Hannah turned slightly and struggled to wipe her eyes, as if to hide her shame. How long had they lived without their families? What was her sorrow to theirs? 

“It’s been a long day, you should get some rest.” Andy’s voice made Hannah look up. She had a soft expression of pain on her face, the softest Hannah had ever seen Andy’s face. Hannah just silently left the table, like a ghost haunting a home. 

Nile led her to the backroom of the small farmhouse they were holed up in for this decade. When she was alone she finally allowed herself to sob and choke on her realization. She allowed herself to feel the crushing weight of the loneliness only when she was alone.

_________________________

Hannah dreamed about the man who drank again. He was weeping, as she did before eventually exhausting herself into sleep. He was in pain; sharp, intense pain. Someone was cutting his skin, punching him until he finally spat blood. Naked, cold, alone. But she felt his heart too. He thought he deserved it. 

Hannah woke up in a cold sweat. Everything was quiet, except for her. She was crying out in agony. It must have been almost dawn, and, despite being awake, she could still feel his wounds. It crawled over her skin like ants, flowing and ebbing like a tide of glass. 

Joe was beside her in an instant, gripping her shoulders as he called out to her.

“Hannah! Hannah, _please_.”

The please made her jump back into her own mind. She snapped back into reality like a bullet shot from a gun, and was faced with a scene she recognized. She was staring into Joe’s eyes. Hannah remembered dreaming of his beautiful eyes and feeling such _love_. It was a light when her life was the darkest. 

“A nightmare?” Nile was standing next to her. Hannah held on tightly to Nile’s arm, as if trying to steady herself. 

“I’m fine...I’m sorry, I just…” Hannah’s face burned with embarrassment. “It was nothing...please go back to sleep.”

“Tell us, it’ll help,” Nile said. Hannah shook her head as she got up from her bed. 

“No it was...it was nothing…”

“Hannah,” Nicky murmured. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, so she turned and walked towards the door.

“Just...please go back to sleep,” she muttered. Then, without another word or even looking back, she left them there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's gonna get sad guys, im not gonna lie. I'll adjust tags as is necessary.


	4. part 4

Hannah walked past Andy without saying anything, straight into the kitchen. The light of dawn was beginning to peak out over the horizon. Soon the rosy fingered sun would rise up and everything would be fine.

That was a lie. 

Hannah wasn’t fine. She was scared. Scared, and even more alone than when she was on that bridge. How could she compare to these warriors, these _heroes_. She felt like a burden on the world. Consuming but never contributing, taking in but never giving back. At least when she tried to kill herself, she believed she’d finally be able to return to the world what she had taken from it. Her body would decompose and return what she had taken to the earth. 

But now, she was immortal. That comforting thought was gone now. Even when she died, she would have done nothing and taken too much.

“What are you doing up?”

Hannah turned at the sound of Andy’s voice. It wasn’t harsh or demanding. It was gentle, and soft. The woman leaned against the counter, staring right into Hannah. She sighed.

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s never nothing. Not with us at least.” She opened a cabinet and withdrew a tin box. It opened with a satisfying pop and she withdrew something from the wrapping. “Here.”

“What is it?” Hannah took the offering gently and looked at it. It was a square of pastry, with dark filling between the light sheets.

“Baklava. Try some, it's good.” Hannah took a timid bite. It was wonderful. Sweet and slightly crunchy and the pastry was buttery and perfect. “You like it?”

“It’s...it’s really good,” Hannah said, mouth full with her second bite. Andy smiled. It was a wonderful smile, old and warm and steady. Hannah couldn’t help but reciprocate.

“It’s going to be ok, kid.” Andy took a piece for herself. “You’re gonna be ok.” They stood there, silently, chewing on their baklava.

“I’m just…” Andy looked up at her. Hannah was staring at the floor pensively. “I’m not a fighter...I’m worried that I’m not...not good enough.”

“None of us started out as warriors, you know. It took a lot to get there, and even after that hundreds of years to get really good.”

“I know but you all grew up in violent times...even Nile told me she was a marine. She’s been trained to deal with death and killing. I’m…” Hannah couldn’t even finish the sentence. 

“Hey. It’s ok. We won’t make you do anything until you’re ready. Understand?”

Hannah gave a short nod, but Andy knew it was still bothering her. She put her hand on the back of Hannah’s neck, squeezing gently.

“It’s tough...but we’re here for you. I promise.”

_________________________________

The next day, Andy took her out to their makeshift shooting range.

“First things first. Have you ever fired a gun before?”

“N-no.” She refused to tell the whole truth. She was terrified of guns. Even before her first death, she couldn’t even be in the vicinity of guns without becoming extremely anxious and fearful. But she didn’t want to disappoint Andy.

“Here. Start with a pistol.” Andy put the gun in her hand and began to manipulate her fingers. Hannah prayed she wouldn’t notice how sweaty they were. “Now, hold it with both hands in front of you. Lean a little bit forward. There you go. There’s gonna be some recoil, ok? Now, just aim at the target, and whenever you feel comfortable, slowly pull the trigger.”

Hannah felt her body start to shake. She was staring down the barrel of a gun again, but this time she was firing. It didn’t feel any better. It almost felt worse. She could still see it. Hear it going off. Feel the bullets as they ripped through her body. She knew she had died, but it was just a freak accident they said. She must have blacked out from fear. But she knew. She had felt herself bleeding. The sticky, warm feeling of dying in her own blood. Hannah was trembling like a leaf, barely hanging onto it’s branch.

“Hannah...Hannah let go of the gun…” Hannah looked up at Andy. She was staring at her, but Hannah couldn’t discern her emotions. Andy had lowered her arms so the gun was pointing at the ground, and unraveled Hannah’s tightly locked fingers from the pistol. “It’s ok.”

“I-I’m sorry, Andy.” Hannah realized she was crying again. That just made her more upset. “I’m sorry I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.” She repeated over and over. Hannah felt her legs give out, and she fell to the floor. “I was just a kid. How could you shoot a kid like that. It wasn’t a big school. I knew him! I was just a kid,” she sobbed. Andy, as if by instinct, knelt down and wrapped her arms around Hannah. She just kept crying. “I was just a kid. I’m sorry. I can’t.” Andy hushed her and gently cradled the back of her head. “Please don’t make me I can’t do it. I can’t be _him_.”

“It’s ok kid. I won’t.” Andy shushed her gently, and something deep within her memory took over. A deep guttural feeling of loss and fear. A bed, faceless girls and women crying over a body. A body she knows. The memory shook her to her core. The first death. Her mother’s death when she was a child. She had forgotten it, but apparently not entirely. The feeling was still there, even after thousands of years. “It’s ok. It’s ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can take supportive andy from my cold dead hands. 
> 
> also im writing a fun family bonding chapter after this cause i can.


	5. part 5

“ _ Andiamo _ Hannah!” Nicky smirked as Hannah wiped her sweating forehead. “I know you still have something left.”

Hannah urged every muscle in her body to move as she attacked Nicky once again. He parried her lunge easily, causing her sword to dig into the ground.

“Show him, Hannah!” Joe was cheering from the sidelines. “Nothing against you, my love!” With a groan, Hannah tried again. “ _ Posta, posta, sorella!”  _

Nicky’s sword came down like lightning, and Hannah just managed to block it and knock it aside. Taking in a deep breath, she watched for an opening. The second time she knocked Nicky’s sword away, she went in for his chest. But, as would be expected of someone who had been sword fighting for almost a century, Nicky was one step ahead. Sliding his blade against the ground, he managed to up-end Hannah into a cartoonish fall. Her head hit the ground hard, and when the world began to clear up, she saw the familiar point of Nicky’s sword. Hannah gave a dejected sigh and let her head fall against the ground.

“You’re getting better,” he smiled as he offered her his hand. She took it, but couldn’t reciprocate his sunny expression.

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

“That’s because the better you get, the harder an opponent I become.” He dusted her shoulders and picked a stray piece of grass from her hair. “You got me a couple times though.”

“Yes, and I’m sure that I’ll eventually kill all my enemies from the Tetanus my papercuts give them,” she sighed. 

“Ah, don’t feel bad Hannah,” Joe said. He took his sword and sheathed it, denoting the end of practice for the day. “Nicky was a talented swordsman in the crusades, and he’s only become better through the centuries.” Hannah pretended to ignore the wink the two men shared as Joe took Nicky’s hand. 

“My sun, I would not be such a good  _ swordsman _ without you.”

Hannah groaned and sheathed her practice sword. It was dull, so she wouldn’t actually harm Nicky or Joe in any meaningful ways. But when her two teachers sparred, it was always with sharpened blades, lovingly cared for over the decades like they cared for each other. They were always controlled, moving together in their strange dance. 

It was no secret that Hannah was still afraid of pain. She felt like such a baby. She still had to keep herself from crying when she stubbed her toe or got a shot. How was she supposed to deal with getting stabbed or shot when a skinned knee still made her tear up like a toddler. 

That and she couldn’t even pick up a gun. Andy hadn’t told the others about what had happened at the shooting range, but the message was clear. Hannah needed to find other ways to protect herself. Luckily, she was in the presence of masters. It just so happened that the masters were also deeply in love with each other and constantly making euphemisms and innuendo to the other.

“ _ Piccola _ , you are getting better,” Joe mused. “You need to be more aggressive though.”

“I know. I just don’t like the idea of accidentally stabbing Nicky.” The man smiled, hand over his heart, and nodded his head as a simple  _ thank you _ .

“I wish  _ mio caro _ would have been so caring in our first bouts. But, you have all the makings of a fine swordfighter. How has archery training been?”

“Fine, Andy still has me on shortbow.” Hannah’s training with Andy had been intense, but good. She felt like she was making more headway on that than sword fighting. Maybe because she was still shooting at stationary targets.

The three headed back to the house. It was small, secluded from the nearest village, with rows of trees encompassing a large meadow. It offered enough space and privacy for the group to train in peace. This was where she had lived with the guard for almost two months now. She would wake up, help with breakfast, and then go train until sundown when her teachers finally relented and let her go. There wasn’t much down time, but then again she would have more than enough leisure time when she finished learning how to defend herself.

“You look like a mess,” Nile commented as they entered the house. Hannah dumped her sword on a chair with a groan.

“Thank you, Nile. I hadn’t realized,” she joked, playfully pushing the other girl. “I should probably shower before dinner, huh?”

“Definitely,” Nile laughed. Hannah liked Nile a lot. They got along really well together. Maybe because they were American, or from the same time, or some other reason, they kind of just...understood each other. They both were in the same boat when it came to dealing with this new immortality thing. “I’ll make sure they don’t eat everything before you get back.

“You hurt me, Nile,” Joe called from the kitchen. “As if I would ever not have anything for you.”

“Leftovers don’t count, Joe!”

Dinner that night was light-hearted. They were finally seeming to become comfortable with each other. Hannah was able to open up, and accept the kindness from her new friends, and they in turn began to understand her mannerisms, quirks, and other unique characteristics that one can only learn if they live with someone. 

For instance, Nicky was the first one to notice Hannah was always trying to help in the kitchen, clear away plates, or do chores. Especially when she had bad dreams, she would clean the house until Andy couldn’t stand it (she was used to a certain  _ rustic _ way of living). But, despite becoming more friendly with them, Hannah still refused to talk to them about it. Even Nile couldn’t get her to open up. She would simply wave it off as nothing, even if it caused her to wander the house at all hours of the night, unable to sleep. 

“Andy...what was it like?”

“What was what like,” Andy asked, mouth full of food.

“I don’t know...everything. I studied history in college. I just...I’ve never had the nerve to ask you about living during history.”

“Dirtier than you’d imagine,” Nicky chuckled, waving his fork for emphasis.

“Speak for yourself,” Joe laughed, “Europe was the ass-end of the world in our time, and it smelled like it too.” Andy snickered.

“What about Rome? Did you ever go during the Empire?”

“Yes, but it was more towards the end.”

“You witnessed the fall of Rome?”

“Hannah, she was the fall of Rome,” Joe said, a wide grin on his face. “I remember you telling me about how you sacked Rome a couple of times, boss.”

“What can I say, it was my rebellious phase.” Andy shrugged, as if everyone sacked Rome at some point. Nile leaned over to Hannah and whispered in her ear.

“Andy had a Goth phase.” Hannah snorted so loudly it scared the other three, and she struggled not to laugh water up her nose as she and Nile roared like they had just made the funniest joke in the world. Andy, Nicky, and Joe were forced to simply watch in awkward silence as the two laughed until it hurt. 


	6. part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aka, I don't know how to write action scenes. I hope its not terrible, thanks.
> 
> Also spoilers, there is violence and angst
> 
> cool k bye see you next time
> 
> (also thanks to everyone whose commented you all make my heart go !!!!!!!! <3)

Hannah hadn’t had nightmares for almost a week. It was surprising how helpful a full night’s rest was to a person. She had been operating on less than 6 hours for almost three months, so a full 8 was a luxury. The team noticed it too. They didn’t say anything but Hannah knew. It was evident in their praise of her during practice.

Hannah hadn’t expected her teachers to be so supportive. Even Andy, who seemed rough and cold on the outside, was always letting her know how well she was doing. Maybe because they knew Hannah was such a harsh critic of herself, or maybe because they couldn’t help but get caught up in the excitement of learning skills they had known for hundreds of years. There was something thrilling in seeing someone learn like you learned. Andy couldn’t help but smile when Hannah made her first bullseye. Her excitement was almost identical to a young Andromache, despite thousands of years difference. The feeling was the same.

Of course, good times never lasted forever. 

They were watching the soccer game when the call came in. Nile answered it, with everyone staring on the edge of their seats. 

“When? Ok. Got it.” She hung up and Andy stood. Only one person had that number. Copley. “Someone’s found us.”

“Bad?” 

Nile nodded.

“They could be here any minute.”

“Joe, Nicky, Hannah, grab the go-bags. Nile, come with me to the weapon locker.” 

“Wait, what’s going on,” Hannah questioned. The house erupted into movement in seconds, with Joe and Nicky practically pulling her into the room.

“Someone knows where we are. We need to leave now.” Nicky threw her a duffel bag. Joe was muttering something as he threw his journals and sketch pads into his personal bag. “Take those out to the car.” 

Outside was a stark contrast to the hectic commotion of inside the house. It was nearly silent, except for the quiet chorus of crickets in the fields and forest that surrounded their hidden dwelling. She turned back and looked at it. This must be a normal part of their life, moving from safehouse to safehouse, never staying anywhere too long. It made her sad. This place had become so important to her in the past weeks, and now she had to leave it. 

When Andy and Nile returned from the barn with the weapon cases and hastily tossed them into the trunk, the younger woman came up to Hannah.

“Got everything you need?” Nile gripped her shoulder, maybe a little harder than she meant to, but Hannah was glad for the physical contact. It grounded her in ways nothing else could.

“Yeah. It feels weird, leaving.”

Nile patted her back.

“It’s gonna be ok, Hannah.” She smiled, and Hannah couldn’t stop herself from returning it. Deep down, in that moment, she believed Nile.

__________________________

“Where are we going,” Hannah asked. They had managed to get onto the backroads without being seen, and now the group was starting to relax.

“Copley said Theta-Delta House.” Nile was getting the map out and tracing a route through Italy for Andy.

“Ah, Salerno.” Joe smiled at Nicky, who smirked behind the hand trying to nonchalantly cover his face. Hannah had a feeling they had had some  _ intimate _ excursions there. And then, a large black van screeched to a halt in front of them, and men with guns and wearing tactical armor came out and approached the car. The men began shouting, and pointing their weapons at them. Hannah couldn’t understand them but she was pretty sure they weren’t asking for directions. Without thinking, she grabbed Joe’s hand. He looked at her in surprise, but didn’t say anything. He simply gave a gentle squeeze of reassurance, and that was all Hannah needed. Andy finally broke the tense silence in the car.

“Shit,” Andy muttered. “Hannah, stay with Joe and Nicky.” 

Andy slowly exited the car. The others did the same, and Joe and Nicky motioned for Hannah to follow them. The men were speaking in Italian, but it wasn’t fluent. It was choppy and harsh, not like how Nicky spoke. Hannah felt Joe whisper in her ear.

“When I tell you, get down.” He had a steady hand holding Hannah’s shoulder as the two groups stared each other down. Andy glanced over at Nile, and then Nicky, Joe, and Hannah. Then, without any other signal, she took the gun off the man nearest to her and turned it on their assailants. “Now!”

Hannah liked to think she dropped on her own accord, but it was mostly Joe’s quick shove that sent her down onto the pavement. It was for the best that she was plastered to the road, because the second the guns started going off, Hannah felt like she was going to die. 

She was back in her classroom. She had been pushed to the ground by another student to hide. The lights were off, but the gunman entered anyway. Hannah could see his shoes.  _ Jen _ , was her only thought. She looked around wildly but she couldn’t see her best friend. She remembered being right behind her, so where was she? Hannah couldn’t really take in the situation. The only thing she could focus on was a woman in front of her. It wasn’t Jen, but it was close enough. She just knew she needed to protect her. 

Andy was cornered behind a tree, unable to get a good shot on their attackers. They must have been patrolling the area, waiting for them to show themselves. And there could be more in the woods closing in on them. She aimed her pistol at the man shooting at the others to try and draw his fire away, maybe even allowing for Nile to find an opportunity to attack. 

From the corner of her eye she saw Hannah. She had this far-away, deer-in-the-headlights look on her face. She was staying down low, which was good. As long as she stayed with the others she’d be ok.

And then Andy got shot.

It didn’t hit anything really important, just grazing her arm, but it did hurt like shit. And it did distract her enough to not notice the man approaching her. 

Hannah noticed though, and looked around. No one else was paying attention. None of the others saw.  _ He’s going to kill Andy if I don’t do something.  _ There was a gun lying on the ground. She didn’t know who it belonged to, but her mind kept pushing her.  _ Pick it up _ . She grabbed the gun and tried to remember what Andy had told her. _ Pull the trigger slowly. Let it surprise you _

But Hannah couldn’t do it. She just stood there, petrified as she watched the man attack Andy. They were struggling for the gun but all Hannah could do was stare at the gun in her hands. Her body refused to cooperate. She couldn’t do anything. She was frozen stiff. Nothing would move despite her brain screaming at her. Over and over again, harsher and harsher with every millisecond passing.  **_DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT STOP BEING SCARED DO IT DO IT DO IT YOU NEED TO DO IT STOP BEING WEAK DO IT_ ** .

A shot rang out, and Hannah broke from her paralysis. Had she done it? She hadn’t felt a kickback, or even her finger pulling the trigger. Instead she looked behind her where she had heard the shot come from, and saw Nicky with a rifle in his hands, still aimed at where the dead man once stood. She hadn’t shot the gun. Looking at Andy’s attacker, it was clearly a good shot. Nicky had got him right in the head, a large hole gaping in his skull. Hannah felt a heavy, sickening weight curl in her stomach, a deep, hot, thick ball of shame as she let the gun fall to the ground. She looked up at Andy, and all she could think was one thing.  _ I’m sorry _ . She didn’t say it, but Andy could see it in her eyes.

They all returned to the car and sped away from the bloody scene. Nile was driving now, and the vehicle had a tense silence hanging around them. 

“Hannah, are you ok,” Nicky asked quietly, as if afraid of waking a baby.

“She froze…” Andy finally said, and the words hit Hannah like a knife in her heart. Andy could have died, and it would have been her fault. Because she was afraid and weak. Because she was a coward. These men and women promised to protect her at all costs, but she couldn’t even help them. She couldn’t even try and protect them.

“ _ Piccola _ ,” Joe murmured. He tried to touch her shoulder but Hannah just flinched away. She curled up in her seat and refused to look at him, or any of them. She didn’t deserve comfort, or sympathy, or love. She had failed her team, her  _ family _ . There was nothing there worth comforting, no action that deserved a positive response. 

She was a failure, a coward. She didn’t deserve kindness.

**Author's Note:**

> im bad at titles.
> 
> also this is going to be heavy on the found family, contemplation of death, existentialism, trauma.  
> You know, fun stuff.


End file.
